Are you stuck at home during the most prominent music weekend of the year? Sick of your social media feed full of snaps and videos from Worthy Farm? Us too, so sit back and relax. Pop your bucket hat on and grab some Red Stripe, and turn on BBC iPlayer, as we plan your Glastonbury from the sofa.
Friday:
Friday is where Glasto begins in earnest, and the three-day music extravaganza kicks off at around midday, with the BBC live-streaming the Pyramid Stage, Other Stage, Park Stage, West Holts and Woodsies (formerly John Peel Stage).
The Hives, 1 pm – 1:45, Other Stage:
Fresh from a mammoth tour with headliners Arctic Monkeys, The Hives are one of the most in-your-face, no holds barred rock bands going. Their new album is on the way, and the big, stomping singles released so far indicate The Hives are hitting a peak. They successfully whipped up Monkeys crowds into an absolute frenzy with their big riffs and unrelenting energy – there’s no doubt they will manage the same with Glasto’s Friday revellers. Be prepared to watch frontman Howlin’ Pelle tearing up and down the stage, crowd surfing and generally making a nuisance of himself in a bespoke black and white suit.
Los Bitchos, 2 pm – 2:45, The Park Stage:
Los Bitchos are becoming festival regulars, taking their instrumental stylings up and down the country each summer. The reason for their regular bookings? It is so much fun. Turkish and Eastern influences collide head-on with dance-rock groves to create a genre-bending, dance-infusing setlist.
Billy Nomates, 3:15 – 4:15, The Park Stage:
Keeping it Park Stage for our next pick – Billy Nomates is a one-woman show with ferocious energy. Singing to her own beats played from a laptop, she embodies many of the qualities of Nottingham stalwarts Sleaford Mods, but BNM is subtler with it, and a little less jagged. That’s not to say that the rage isn’t there, with Billy rallying against societal norms with a pent-up fury that comes out in her delivery and dance moves.
The Churnups, 6:15 pm – 7:30, Pyramid Stage:
Glastonbury is famous for its ‘secret shows’ with every name under the sun turning up at Worthy Farm under an alias to play somewhere on-site over the years. This time, “The Churnups” have created wild speculation online, with fans believing it was Pulp, who are on a comeback tour of their own. The Jarvis Cocker-shaped rumour was kiboshed with a letter from Dave Grohl to UK Foos fans, promising to “churn up” emotions when they return…
Young Fathers, 8:30 – 9:30, West Holts Stage:
Young Fathers are one of Britain’s most exciting bands, combining heavy rock elements with R&B flavours and huge gospel choruses. Their recent record, Heavy Heavy earned them critical praise and garnered a base of hardcore followers, and will doubtlessly inspire moshpits and dance circles.
Arctic Monkeys, 10:15 pm – 11:45 pm, Pyramid Stage:
The big one – Arctic Monkeys are back on the Pyramid, occupying the same slot they had in 2013, where they blew fans away with the sexy rock swagger of AM. The Monkeys are back under very different circumstances this year; with a space-hotel concept album under their belts, plus a gorgeous Bowie-inspired piece in the shape of The Car we are set to see a more mature, refined and polished Arctic Monkeys. Don’t let that put a bee in your bucket hat though, as they have been treating fans to some old favourites across the UK tour. A Certain Romance, anyone?
Saturday:
Right at this point in proceedings, to get the full festival experience, I recommend leaving some cans of “premium” lager outside, to gently warm in the sun. Grab yourself some breakfast and set fire to £20 (the cost of festival food is scandalous), then get comfy for another day of Glasto from the sofa.
The Lathums, 1 pm – 1:45, Other Stage:
The Lathums are a band whose trajectory is unrelenting. From small-town gigs to back-to-back number-one records, these new kids on the indie block are firmly cementing themselves as big players in the UK indie scene. They’re everything you want from a sunny festival set – this one is sure to provoke people on shoulders, bucket hats flying and general indie “scenes” at the farm.
The Last Dinner Party, 11:30 am – 12:15 pm, Woodsies:
The Last Dinner Party are on the up and up – with only one single released so far (the gloriously melancholic Nothing Matters) TLD have secured a tour support slot with The Murder Capital, and the opening slot on Woodsies. They’re effortlessly cool, and embody the artier side of “post-punk”, drawing on bands like Porridge Radio – a fantastic way to ease into Saturday.
Working Men’s Club, 2 pm – 2:45, Woodsies:
WMC are act one of a triple bill at Woodsies – the band are Greater Manchester natives, but their unique brand of dance and electronica inspired a big following amongst the 6 Music crowd, and they’ve earned themselves a cult following. With two stellar albums under their belt, this is sure to be a fantastic moment on site.
Shame, 4:30 pm – 5:30 pm, Woodsies:
Shame are another set of post-punkers done good, now with three fantastic records to boast, they are making serious waves. Latest offering, Food For Worms is some of the band’s best work to date, and their furious live energy will make for monumental watching, whether you’re on the farm or on the sofa.
The Murder Capital, 3:15 pm – 4 pm, Woodsies:
If you’re interested in replicating the true festival experience, after WMC we recommend self-enforcing a toilet queue at home. Give it about 25 minutes before allowing yourself the pleasure of the porcelain before hot-footing it back to the settee with pre-warmed lager in hand. Now, TMC are a band like no other: a beautiful, thunderous and morbid debut record was recently followed up by a sensitive and soulful follow-up. Be prepared to laugh and cry, as TMC will blow your face off.
Manic Street Preachers, 6:45 pm – 7:45 pm, Other Stage:
The Manics are bonafide legends at this point, having played massive shows and festivals up and down the country for decades now. They’re dab-hands at putting on a no-nonsense rock show, full of back catalogue bangers from an impressive hit-studded career.
Loyle Carner / Fatboy Slim / Guns N Roses
Now, Saturday night is a smorgasbord of music, covering numerous genres and vibes. If you’re looking for some no-nonsense rock music, Guns N Roses are your best bet (Pyramid Stage, from 10:30 pm). They’ve played more headline sets than you’ve had hot dinners, and are master craftsmen at putting on a big fuck-off rock show. If RnB is more your flavour, Loyle Carner (West Holts, from 10:15 pm) is a true genius in the making, combining classic rap aspects, gospel parts, trip-hop and much more: he’s revered for his fantastic lyrics and is definitely the ‘muso’ slot of the night. Finally, if you’re looking to dance your pants off, then look no further than Norman Cook, better known as Fatboy Slim (Park Stage from 11 pm).
Sunday:
Did you sleep in the garden last night? Or perhaps you stayed up till sunrise trying to recreate the magic of Worthy Farm in your back garden. Either way, it’s Sunday now and there is still a jam-packed day of music to absorb. Roll on the hot coffee and get ready to drain the dregs of your warm cans.
Sophie Ellis Bextor, 12:15 pm – 1 pm, Pyramid Stage:
What better way to obliterate that final day hangover than with ‘Murder on The Dancefloor’? SEB has a selection of dance classics and club bangers to freshen any weary head and get you set up to conquer a final day of music. Bring it on!
The Big Moon, 2 pm – 3 pm, Woodsies:
Now, The Big Moon are another band with years of festival experience. Their tunes are built for this environment, with big, uplifting choruses. Singalong indie bops that are right at home in the June sunshine. Who could ask for more?
Viagra Boys, 4:30 pm – 5:30, The Park Stage:
Viagra Boys are unlike many bands on this bill – funky, filthy, sleazy punk numbers are accompanied with sax and synths to create something awe-inspiring. This will get you moving unlike anything else this weekend, either dancing, moshing or a chaotic mix of the two. VB will doubtlessly be a late highlight down on the farm. Plus, you’ve got enough time to catch the last half of Slowdive – no sprinting between stages for us, just grab the remote!
Thundercat, 7:45 pm – 8:45, The Park Stage:
The bass master himself, Thundercat, descends on Worthy Farm for a Sunday evening slot. Ordaining the hungover masses with heaven-sent funk. Six-string bass slung around his shoulder, blasting neo-soul bangers as the sun goes down. Beauty.
Queens of The Stone Age, 9:45 pm – 11:15, Other Stage:
Bringing the show to a close is QOTSA, one of the longest-standing rock acts going, they have just released a fantastically dark and groovy new record In Times New Roman and are planning on melting some faces with a mix of classic stoner-rock-sludge and in your fucking face riffs. Queens are an unreal live band, and appear to be hitting their stride in a big way.
There you have it – Glastonbury 2023 from the comfort of your own home. Get comfy on the sofa or bring the laptop outside because there is a weekend of non-stop bangers headed your way, without the toilet queues, £7.50 pints, or sleeping in a tent (unless you really want to).
Written by Charlie Brock